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fear

  • Aug. 16th, 2009 at 7:12 PM
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*I had a dream last night -- or, I guess, today -- that was very provocative... )

*and then I woke up, wondering what it all meant. When I have dreams, I try to understand what each symbol means. Am I supposed to be me? Was Coco Chanel really representing Coco Chanel? Or a symbol for someone else? It struck me that Coco Chanel is supposed to be me in the dream. The future me. Then I looked up dream symbols, and found this really interesting one:

"Sneak / Sneaky
If you dream of sneaking around, it may symbolize your nervousness about pursuing some path in your life. You may also believe that others don't support you in something, and you feel like you have to be secretive about your values and goals. If you are being sneaky in your dream to avoid a certain person, this suggests that you are avoiding some aspect of your own self. Consider the character traits of the person you are avoiding - that will give you clues."

*I think the dream means I'm afraid of success. Afraid of the future. Afraid of becoming a doctor, a possibly unattainable and far-off dream. I have trouble making goals for the long-term, because I really can't see myself 8-10 years from now. And I learned early on that the only thing you CAN rely on in life is change. So, I definitely gave up the ten-year plan thing after my first bout of disillusionment.

*Anyway. I thought that was really interesting. But oddly, recognizing my fear seems to fuel my drive. So, I'm going to keep trucking on. And to make things really cool, I put in a successful IV last night and the lady had really bad veins. AND I did it on the first stick. I'm awesome.


li zz le

odd sleep

  • Aug. 12th, 2009 at 3:36 AM
think
*I just got up from, I guess, a really odd nap? I actually don't know what to call it. Working night shifts really messes me up. I fell asleep at 1 AM and woke up at 3 AM...since I work tonight, what time am I supposed to go back to sleep? Well, I'll worry about those details later.

*I've been in the oddest mood the past two days. Very moody, up and down, sometimes feeling optimistic about things, and other times to the point of despair. The despair is enough to make me doubt myself, my profession, my skills, my relationship, my whole life. Although I appreciate the change of scenery at this new job, I still feel bored. We're not getting as many acute patients as I thought we would. I left my old job because I was bored and felt like a task monkey, and here I am all over again, different tasks, watching the clock. I'm just not learning enough. I'm hoping all of this will change when our neuro ICU actually opens up. (Right now it's just a step-down unit/intermediate care.)

*I realized I become very dissatisfied in myself if I'm not learning new things every day, if I don't have goals to accomplish. I'm ready to go back to school NOW just to satisfy that need to learn, but instead I'm biding my time and hopefully I'll get a year of ICU experience somewhere in there so I can become a CRNA. What makes things worse, I don't feel passionate about wiping ass. I really don't. Believe it or not. The most fun I've had at this job was my first day, when we were floated to the cardiac ICU. If things don't shape up, I'm honestly beginning the countdown to the 6-month mark where I can switch jobs again. I don't want to seem like a job hopper, but I need to get the right experience to get the fuck out of this setting.

*Anyway. Tonight I took Maurice out for his birthday. We've been together about 7 months, so I figured I'd be able to pick out some place he'd like. The evening didn't start well. I bought hm the game, Infamous, for PS3, because he had rented it this past weekend and loved it. But I found out this afternoon when I got up that he had compulsively played it and beaten the game. So when he came over and I gave him his gift, he was like, "Ohhhh......yeah......." I felt like a dolt.

*Then, I took him to this great place I love called Harvest. It has a romantic ambiance to it and spectacular food. I've never had a bad meal there. Well, he was really aloof all throughout dinner. I was preoccupied with feeling like a failure, so I excused myself to the bathroom and broke down. (Don't know wtf that was about. I'm obviously not great company lately.) I came back to the table and we finally got to talking by the time our entrees had arrived, and he told me he just felt uncomfortable there. I was waiting for the race issue to pop up, so I laid it out and said, "What, because it's all white people here? If I thought you would have a problem with coming here, I wouldn't have brought you. I thought you would like the atmosphere." He told me it just felt pretentious or something. Now, keep in mind, this place isn't even all THAT nice. It's not some five-star restarant with a billion forks and knives you have to choose from throughout your 16-course meal. It's not Tony's on the Hill. The waiters/waitresses weren't stiff or stuffy at all.

*And then I just realized how different we are. How different I feel from everyone else. It's how I've always felt. He softened up after dinner because he knew something was up. We went out to the car and he asked where I'd like to go next, and I just couldn't hold it in. Tears welled up and I said, "I feel like going home and curling up in a ball." So my relationship with him is -- surprisingly -- going well. Especially considering the amount of bullshit he has to put up with from my moody ass.

*Something's wrong, guys, and I just can't put my finger on it. Something needs to change -- and fast.


li zz le

new job.

  • Jul. 8th, 2009 at 5:41 PM
rucifee
*Okay. So, I worked as a psych nurse for, what, 6-7 months? As soon as I got out of orientation, I was bored. And I really felt like I wasn't making a difference; like I was putting one of those tiny-ass Bandaids on a stage 4 pressure ulcer (really big wound). I wasn't mentally stimulated, either. I need to learn something new every day, and I think I learned a couple cool things within the course of those months.

Cool things:
1) Lithium toxicity. People act really weird.
2) Critical high blood sugar (which totally isn't psych-related).
3) Guy acting weird with mental status changes, we didn't know what it was, he went to medical floor and apprently his lung cancer (which we didn't even know about) had metastasized to his brain.

*I also realized I want to be a CRNA (Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist). So, after much ado, I finally got a job at St. Clare in their neurological ICU. My mom always said I should be an ICU nurse because she thought I would take to it. It's funny; I think mothers really do know their children better than anyone else.

*My first night is tonight. TONIGHT!! Instead of pacing the floor anxiously, I decided to update ye olde LJ. Plus, I figured maybe some people might want to know I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.

*I have no idea what I'm doing in this job. I feel like I'm walking in completely BLIND. I wasn't able to sleep today; people called and woke me up or texted or whatever, but I'll eventually get used to sleeping during the day. Aaaaaand I'm turning off my phone. I usually use it for my alarm because I don't trust my clock, but I'm gonna get another clock.

*Today will be the worst, I think. I will feel completely overwhelmed and frazzled. I won't know anything, and I'll feel stupid. But at least by next week I'll know a little more than I do right now. Today is complete ignorance, but I'll at least be a little LESS ignorant after this shift. I just hope my preceptor is supportive and doesn't get frustrated with me. Sighing, rolling her eyes, "Ugh, don't you know ANYTHING?" That's what I'm afraid of.

*Well, goo. Bloop. And all that. Wish me luck. I'll keep you posted if I'm not drowning. Or in jail for killing someone on accident. Blurg.


li zz le

underarmor

  • Oct. 15th, 2008 at 6:07 PM
rucifee
*You know you're a nerd when you're tempted to go to the athletic department and ask the salesperson, "Excuse me, does this Underarmor come in platemail?"



li zz le

I like this article.

  • Jan. 21st, 2008 at 7:28 AM
words

Popular view of King ignores complexity

By DEEPTI HAJELA, Associated Press WriterSun Jan 20, 6:56 PM ET

They are some of the most famous words in American history: "I have a dream ..." And the man who said them has become an icon.

Martin Luther King Jr. has certainly gotten his share of attention this year, the subject of a presidential campaign controversy over his legacy that blew up just around the time of the holiday created to honor him.

But nearly 40 years after his assassination in April 1968, after the deaths of his wife and of others who knew both the man and what he stood for, some say King is facing the same fate that has befallen many a historical figure — being frozen in a moment in time that ignores the full complexity of the man and his message.

"Everyone knows, even the smallest kid knows about Martin Luther King, can say his most famous moment was that "I have a dream" speech," said Henry Louis Taylor Jr., professor of urban and regional planning at the University of Buffalo.

"No one can go further than one sentence," he said. "All we know is that this guy had a dream, we don't know what that dream was."

At the time of his death, King was working on anti-poverty and anti-war issues. He had spoken out against the Vietnam War in 1967, and was in Memphis in April 1968 in support of striking sanitation workers.

King had come a long way from the crowds who cheered him at the 1963 March on Washington, when he was introduced as "the moral leader of our nation" — and when he pronounced "I have a dream" on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

By taking on issues outside segregation, he had lost the support of many newspapers and magazines, and his relationship with the White House had suffered, said Harvard Sitkoff, a professor of history at the University of New Hampshire who has written a recently published book on King.

"He was considered by many to be a pariah," Sitkoff said.

But he took on issues of poverty and militarism because he considered them vital "to make equality something real and not just racial brotherhood but equality in fact," Sitkoff said.

While there has been scholarly study of King and everything he did, that knowledge hasn't translated into the popular culture perception of him and the civil rights movement, said Richard Greenwald, professor of history at Drew University.

"We're living increasingly in a culture of top 10 lists, of celebrity biopics which simplify the past as entertainment or mythology," he said. "We lose a view on what real leadership is by compressing him down to one window."

That does a disservice to both King and society, said Melissa Harris-Lacewell, professor of politics and African-American studies at Princeton University.

By freezing him at that point, by putting him on a pedestal of perfection that doesn't acknowledge his complex views, "it makes it impossible both for us to find to new leaders and for us to aspire to leadership," Harris-Lacewell said.

She believes it's important for Americans in 2008 to remember how disliked King was in 1968.

"If we forget that, then it seems like the only people we can get behind must be popular," Harris-Lacewell said. "Following King meant following the unpopular road, not the popular one."

In becoming an icon, King's legacy has been used by people all over the political spectrum, said Glenn McNair, associate professor of history at Kenyon College.

He's been part of the 2008 presidential race, in which Barack Obama could be the country's first black president. Obama has invoked King, and Sen. John Kerry endorsed Obama by saying "Martin Luther King said that the time is always right to do what is right."

Not all the references have been received well. Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton came under fire when she was quoted as saying King's dream of racial equality was realized only when President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

King has "slipped into the realm of symbol that people use and manipulate for their own purposes," McNair said.

Harris-Lacewell said that is something people need to push back against.

"It's not OK to slip into flat memory of who Dr. King was, it does no justice to us and makes him to easy to appropriate," she said. "Every time he gets appropriated, we have to come out and say that's not OK. We do have the ability to speak back."



http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080120/ap_on_re_us/mlk_legacy

sweet.

  • Apr. 17th, 2007 at 10:08 PM
b please
Your Inner Retro Girl Is

1950s Pinup

surely, my internet must be on crack

  • Apr. 15th, 2007 at 6:05 PM
rucifee
*Okay, I just spent all this time troubleshooting my network, and it was acting all weird, and as soon as I found the root of the problem, POOF! It came back. Completely out of the blue. I didn't touch a damn thing. I have NO idea how that happened. That was so messed up, and it wasn't hardware-related.
*Anyway.
*I had this weird dream about skydiving last night. I was falling from this plane, with Alex Fossey (yeah, haven't talked to HIM in a while...I don't know if he's relevant or not), and I was really enjoying it. The first part of the falling was nice and stress-free because I had done it before and was trying new things like flipping around and stuff. I kept laughing a lot. Then I started to worry that my parachute wouldn't open, and I asked Alex, "Are you SURE it's going to open? I mean, what if it doesn't?" He had to reassure me repeatedly that it would open, and everything would be okay. Then I said, "Wait, is this how you open it?" and I pointed to two ripcords on my backpack-looking thing. He said, "Yeah, sorta. And don't worry, remember, there's another one that opens if the first one doesn't." I tried not worrying about it anymore and flipping around again, but still, the earth was getting closer and closer....it felt like it was taking FOREVER to fall from this plane...
*Then I woke up. I looked that one up right away.

"Skydiving
A pleasurable dream of skydiving - floating down gently in a parachute - signifies that you have protection and security during a time in which turmoil surrounds you. If you dream that your parachute doesn't open, or if you are scared in the dream, this represents your feeling that you've been deserted by someone who was supposed to stand by you."

*Okay, that makes a lot of sense. Parachute. Trust. People. Falling. Scary situations. Risk-taking. It completely clicked in my head...sometimes I just want to shake Dream Liz, though. I want to shake Real Liz even more and tell her to trust people...kinda. I kind of just want everyone to stop telling me to trust them, because they don't give me a reason to.
*In other news, I'm sick of living in whitetrashville. It's been getting to me this month. Hmm.


lizzle

ice skating with tim

  • Feb. 28th, 2007 at 2:50 PM
rucifee
Niz-Niz: i would crush him.
Niz-Niz: he's like a hadley.
E A: :)) oh comically tiny boys

sorry sorry!

  • Feb. 22nd, 2007 at 9:53 PM
rucifee
*I'm totally here. Sorry. Um....just trying to juggle a TON of stuff, and LiveJournal isn't exactly one of those things.

*I went to Chicago this past weekend and saw my dad finally. I hadn't seen him in, oh, 7 months. :-\ Erp. It went.........fine. He's so odd.

*Dating a couple of guys right now. I think guys know when you're dating other guys, and they all call at once because they feel the need to compete with one another. After talking with Ryan, I think girls do it, too. It's like we all have this sense. Obviously I don't sound super-enthused about any of those guys, but Eric grabs my attention more than the others. :)

*I have to WORK tomorrow, and I don't WANT to! Wah! Oh, well, I'll get some homework done.....unless it's really busy.


lizzle

sociology teacher

  • Feb. 12th, 2007 at 9:52 PM
b please
Mon, Feb 12, 2007 -- UMSL-SOCIOL2180-001-45596-200727: The Weather and Class on Tuesday (2/13)
So, it looks like a winter storm may be on the way.  IF it does come, and IF campus is closed tomorrow (2/13)--two very BIG IFs at this point, I will try to hold class via Wimba from home.  We'll only do one session, and you are all welcome to try and join in to the session at 12:30 PM.  In any case, there will be an archive available.  Please continue to check the campus for notice of any closing.  If campus is open tomorrow, I will be here ready for class.

*You ass.

winter hands

  • Feb. 3rd, 2007 at 1:30 PM
rucifee
Niz-Niz: my hands are looking better today
E A: oh yes? how're they feeling?
Niz-Niz: less raw
Niz-Niz: lol
Niz-Niz: less RAVAGED by the chafing winds
Niz-Niz: more like skin and less like leather
E A: well dat sound slike improvement
E A: hahaha
Niz-Niz: hahaha is that descriptive?
E A: hee yesh
Niz-Niz: my knuckles are still pretty tough
Niz-Niz: but they're not cracked and bleeding
Niz-Niz: like the sidewalks of hell
E A: aw my previously cracked baby!
E A: !!!!!!!!
E A: now that's descriptive
Niz-Niz: hahahaahha

gallbladder

  • Jan. 27th, 2007 at 3:51 PM
words
*So I might have to get my gallbladder removed.........?!?!?!?!

lizzle

oh, eff....g h i j k l m.

  • Jan. 17th, 2007 at 1:27 PM
b please
*Never get "the new girl" when it comes to phlebotomists. That's the lesson of the day.

brain acupuncture

  • Jan. 14th, 2007 at 5:29 PM
rucifee

old cats.

  • Jan. 14th, 2007 at 11:57 AM
rucifee
*Well, I've finally bought the geriatric formula cat food. I feel like they should have dentures and walkers or something. I half-expected to open the bag and the food be a different barf-green color, or something, but it was normal cat food color. They're triangle-shaped. I was kind of hoping that my cats, in their youthful prime, would reject the food and say, "What is this, old people food? Ha-ha, you don't REALLY think we need this!"

*But no such luck. They love it. Sigh. They love it more than IAMS hairball formula.

mommy! her hair!

  • Jan. 12th, 2007 at 2:16 PM
b please
*I was in Trader Joe's just about a half-hour ago, and there was this adorable girl pushing one of those tiny carts around. She was looking shyly at me, so I smiled at her real big, and she smiled back...then she waited five seconds until after we had passed each other and said, "MOMMY, THAT GIRL'S HAIR HAS DIFFERENT COLORS IN IT!!!"

*So cute! I want one.

lizzle

sleepwalking?

  • Jan. 7th, 2007 at 1:53 PM
rucifee
*The strangest thing happened in the middle of last night. I went to sleep around 1 am, and for some reason, at 1:44 am, I found myself standing up, heart racing, feeling the need to answer the door. I think I heard someone knock on my door, or my neighbor's door, or something...but either way, my body got up before my brain woke up. I paced back and forth, and I was scared for some reason, because I didn't really know what was going on. I was convinced that I had been sleeping for a while, but it hadn't even been 45 minutes. Finally, I checked the peephole, and no one was there. "Open up, you dumbass!" was stuck in my head. Did I hear my neighbor? What? It was SO confusing. I went back to bed, utterly confused. That's the first time in my life that a sleep disturbance of that sort has happened. Well, not since I was, like, five, and used to sleepwalk. But didn't everyone sleepwalk when they were five?

lizzle

where did THAT come from

  • Jan. 6th, 2007 at 3:43 PM
words
*So, I was feeling really terrible at work yesterday, but I didn't really know what to attribute it to....I had a terrible stomachache, and felt like I was gonna puke. Then I went to my advising appointment, and then I was going to work out, but I decided to eat lunch (and stick to one of my new years' resolutions by NOT skipping that meal) and then go to the gym. Well, I made a sammich, choked it down, and before you know it, I'm bundled up in bed with a worse stomachache and chills. Fever of 101.

*Crazy.

*Then I woke up today, and bam, just kind of worn out, but that's about it. Going to the gym to sweat it off -- and pass it on to other people. Aren't I sweet?

lizzle

it's pink!!!

  • Jan. 4th, 2007 at 1:11 AM
rucifee
*No offense to LiveJournal, but I haven't been writing in you much, dear diary. Since I found that iDailyDiary, it's been that every day. Maybe I should start posting excerpts from that every day and do, like, a weekly update or something. I don't want to abandon my LJ.

*I went on a second date with Jason, the molecular biologist. There was a first date, you ask? Yes. The first was good enough to warrant a second, the second was bad enough to call it quits.

*The only thing I REALLY want to type about is how Acorn put pink streaks in my hair!!!! She worked SO hard at it on Tuesday and did an AWESOME job. She sectioned it off (haha, aviator cap!!), bleached my dark hair that took FOREVER and she was SO patient, and then she put pink on it and it looks SO FREAKING COOL!!!!!!!!!!!! Fanks, Bake!!!

niz.

2007

  • Jan. 1st, 2007 at 12:02 PM
rucifee
*Happy New Year!

*Here are my resolutions...

1. Journal every day (not necessarily on here - I found this program called iDailyDiary)
2. Stop skipping meals (hi, lunch, let's get back in touch; I miss you)

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